So here we are. Almost a full year since I wrote an entry. Shocking, I know. Honestly, I’ve been busy I know what you’re thinking-excuses, excuses-but honestly I have been REALLY busy. Where to begin…
Well I can’t promise this entry will be a happy one, because the truth is I’m going through a confusing and tough time in my life. Almost four weeks ago I turned 30 which was extremely difficult for me to “swallow”. I know people say that’s still “young”, etc. but to me it isn’t. I’m 30 and what do I have to show for it? Sure I’ve gotten two degrees and my teaching certificate, but I have no husband, no permanent job, and no house (I live with my parents again-more on that later!). The majority of my friends are all married with children or at least have a long-term partner. Me. Nothing. Zilch. Nadda.
The only thing I can honestly say I am proud of is the fact that I acquired 20 private music students all on my own and I found out that I absolutely LOVE teaching privately. From the first day it started I was never nervous and I felt like I knew what I was doing. Of course, all of that is gone with the ground-breaking decision I had to make this spring.
Long-story-short, I went to an education fair at MUN (you may have seen me partially on NTV news! lol) and scored an interview with Nova Central School District. I had NO intentions of leaving St. John’s (even though my heart had been tugging at me lately) so I went to it to see what they had to offer. It turned out it was more than the ONE day of subbing I had received here. They had no subs in central NL so I made the decision to move home and back in to my parents house – AT 30. After just moving in to a brand new apartment I was giving that all up to go live with Mom and Dad again. I feel I have no choice at this point…what’s to lose, really?
I guess I should also fill you in on the fact that I left my workplace of Dominion after over 11 years of service back in February. That was another hard decisions-it seems like 2013 is the year of hard decisions for me!-but one that was necessary. Now I am a strong-willed and tough-skinned person, but this was bordering on torture to go to work every day. I was being harrassed by a manager there (no, I’m not saying names) and after months of mistreatment I finally broke. I had began to develop some depression and anxiety issues and my physical health was being compromised. I gave my two-weeks’ notice and I was outa there! Honestly, it’s been the best decision. I was able to get my unemployment and truly I have never felt better mentally or physically.
So now that I’m back in Grand Falls-Windsor I’ve began to remember all of the little things that annoy me about this town. One of them being the politics surrounding the music community. I’m not going to get in to specifics right now, but let’s just say I’ve already had enough of people bowing down to one (unworthy) person. Give someone else a chance. Let someone else shine for a change. This is a whole other topic for another day!
So you might ask, where does that leave my own music career and education? Truly I have no idea. I gave up studying with Dr. Leibel when I moved back home and will hopefully begin studying with someone in Corner Brook, but honestly I am scared. I am 30 years old now and I had hoped to be done graduate school by 30. Now who knows if I’ll ever get in? It’s so frustrating and hard when you want something so badly, but do not have the resources or mentors to aide you. Have I given up? In my heart, no. In my mind, kind of-kind of not. I guess I feel a little hopeless and confused. I know if I don’t pursue my dream I will regret it and on the other hand I feel like I’m so deep in the hole that I’ll never find a way out. I just pray to God for guidance and open doors. I think I deserve a break. I’ve been dealt so many blows I at least deserve that.
As for the rest of my life I don’t know what’s gonna happen. Will I get a job? Will I be good at classroom teaching? Will I get students? Will I find love? Will I ever get to pursue my dream? Will someone ever steer me out of this mess?